Dear Outward Hound,
I am writing to you about your Dog Backpack, which my mom, nutter that she is, bought me recently in an effort to boost my self-confidence (her words) and make me look more sporty. First, I have to say that I was very disappointed that you changed the name of your product from Excursion Bag to Dog Backpack. I believe that if you had done your market research properly, you would have discovered that the only kind of people who would make their animal wear a bag on their back is a Subaru-driving, fleece-wearing, mountain-climbing lesbian or male Dartmouth graduate “looking for himself.” That crowd tends to frown on the term “backpack,” as it conjures up images of their ill-fated junior year abroad in a cold corner of an Eastern European country that looked so much more glamorous in the brochure. Using words like “excursion” and “journey” helps blunt the impact of the “poverty” and “homelessness” you experience in those countries.
But my letter is not about the branding of your Dog Backpack. Indeed, I am very thankful you did not call it a “Doggie” Backpack, as this is really a term best reserved for Pomeranians and shivering Chihuauas, of which I am neither. I am a proud female mutt with American Pit Bull Terrier and Labrador Retriever heritage, so I am as amenable as the next dog to putting in a hard day’s work. Frankly, I feel more independent if I’m carrying my own treats and water, though I bristle slightly at having to lug my mom’s iPhone around.
My “beef,” as it were, is with your sizing system. My mom brought home a very attractive blue Dog Backpack with a lot of exciting zippered compartments and velcro. But as you can see from the photograph I have included with this letter, it was not AT ALL SUITABLE for my body type. Technically, I am considered a “large-breed” dog because of my considerable weight, strength, and okay…I admit it…because I am chesty.
However, I was humiliated by your “large” Dog Backpack, which is evidently built for a mountain dog that pulls people out of snowdrifts and then serves them whiskey from a barrel they’ve been drooling into all day. My mom returned the ill-fitting backpack, but not before posting my photograph ALL OVER INSTAGRAM.
I don’t mean to impugn the utility of a Dog Backpack, I would just like you to re-evaluate your sizing to better match the needs of the modern dog. Thank you for your immediate attention to this important matter.
Warm regards, Blanche
P.S. I am named after the famous and daring aviatrix, Blanche Stuart Scott, NOT after that old bag on Golden Girls.
P.P.S. According to a conversation I had recently with a portly French Bulldog during Doggie Day Care Peanut Butter Snacktime, your Legs Out Front Carrier really needs some branding work. Maybe call the J. Peterman team for some advice on naming conventions? Just a suggestion.