Dear Pit Bull Rescue,
I was minding my own business at Puppy
Day Care Training Camp the other day when a smug pug named Pei Pei told me I’m “adopted.” That little mouth-breather announced to me that I was not in fact the legitimate daughter of my mom. At first I didn’t believe him, because he’s kind of a jerk. He’s the one who told Fred the tremoring English Sheepdog that Santa Claus isn’t real. Fred sulked on his nap platform for days.
So I went to see Duke to get the real story. Duke is the son of a Great Dane and an Alaskan Malamute, so he’s really super-tall. Unfortunately, he got a Great Dane top and a Malamute bottom, which means he has that long, serious square head, but his legs are all fluffy and white, so it looks like he’s wearing sports socks. Duke told me that all of us are adopted. Even stupid Pei Pei.
I’d heard my mom use the word “rescue” before, but I thought she was being ironic. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be rescued from a pile of dirty hay that smells like pee. But I figured that’s where all puppies hung out until their parents could come get them. I admit, I did wonder why she left my brothers and sisters and only took me, but since her coat smelled like peanut butter, I kind of forgot about them as soon as she picked me up.
Look, I’m not complaining. I drink water from an indoor fountain, I have a great wardrobe of personalized collars in different colors (depending on the season), and I get to sleep on a queen-sized bed with my face mushed into my mom’s neck. But I thought that eventually I would start to look more like her and a little less like me. Call it vanity, but I’m having an existential crisis. We were reading the September issue of Vogue together when I suddenly realized — I WILL NEVER WEAR PANTS!
My first birthday is this November, and if I could have one wish, it would be that you develop a comprehensive branding campaign that addresses the issue of dog adoption and spells out clearly the difference between humans and animals. Ha ha! I’m kidding – my wish is actually that I get an oatmeal doggie cupcake with edible peanut butter candles! But also the branding thing. Really. It would make all of us feel better. Even that annoying fat little fur-coated blob, Pei Pei.